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If you want the rainbow, you have to deal with the rain [entries|friends|calendar]

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[07: 59 pm
Monday, 04/23/12]
My brain has been stuck on the past too much today. I've been having really far-fetched anxiety dreams the past couple of nights. Not sure why. I just need to write it down.

I am extremely happy with Mikilin. We have been together over a year and I am happy. I will always wonder what could have been with Jimii. But I like that I can see a future with Mikilin. I enjoy our advenures and the fact that I was bold enough to up and move to an entirely different fucking state. She makes me a better person and I feel like I am always growing.

I think about Kristy too. I miss her. I think about reaching out and then I just wait for the moment to pass because I think I know her too well to know it could somehow be okay. Who knows, maybe I'll try it one day.

And finally, because it bugs me enough every now and then. Jaquey. Yeah you, because I know you read this. You make me angry. I despise the fact that it bothers me at all. I feel let down.
Kiss the Rain

[04: 25 pm
Monday, 02/13/12]
Kiss the Rain

via Thought Catalog [11: 27 am
Tuesday, 12/20/11]
You Don’t Need To Say Anything
There was a time when receiving even the most insignificant message from you would have been simply incredible — when it would have told me that, no matter what was happening, I still crossed your mind. Because as we all know, silence is the most brutal statement one can make. Screaming about how much you hated me or telling me I was ugly, well, it would have been tolerable. Hate and love are two sides of the same coin; the true opposite of love is apathy. And if you had screamed, I would have known that regardless of how hard you tried to convey your disdain for me, I still meant enough to you to write a few words, to make your sentiments known. But you remained silent, and so I shut up as well.

I have lost people in my life before — I have a choice soul or two with whom I can no longer speak. Even acknowledging their existence, or confronting them with mine, would be just too ugly and pour salt into too many wounds. There are bridges I have burned out of necessity. Yours was simply abandoned, left untended for years until weeds grew through it and the railing fell apart and it became something you might take a black-and-white picture of, but you could never cross again. It was unsafe, destroyed by neglect. And that hurt more — to see something just erode into oblivion is so much more brutal than to cover it with gasoline and to toss a match on it. I wanted fireworks, to go out with a bang. I guess that’s human nature.

And the time that we didn’t speak went from a simple act of convenience into a border which could no longer be crossed. There is an invisible moment in time, a line of sorts, that you traverse at a certain point in a mutual silence. It is the time when, from then on, starting a conversation would be awkward and jagged and require an embarrassed explanation of why you haven’t spoken in so long. We crossed that point a long time ago, whether I wanted to or not, and I knew that going back would be fruitless. Acknowledging each other was over, and it was time to accept the quiet death of a friendship that had taken place.

Of course, I still hoped that you would reach out. One day you would extend your hand and say that you were sorry, that things were okay, that we don’t need to keep this uncomfortable distance. You would tell me that we were being immature, that life is too short, and many other cliches that we could nod in agreement on. I waited for it consciously, then without thinking of it, and eventually I wasn’t waiting at all. My life began to continue, and your peripheral existence didn’t factor in. I was happy without it, and the fact that you weren’t a part of everything was no longer a tangible hole needing to be filled.

Every day became more and more about what was good, enjoyed fully without a nagging sense of “if only I could share it with this person.” I made new friends, and strengthened ties with old ones. I no longer thought about our silence, about our depressing ending, about the fact that we’d never again stay up all night watching internet videos and drinking beer. It was simply a chapter in my life that had closed, and the ending seemed appropriate. We can’t appreciate or understand the endings of things when they’re happening, of course, but with a little distance they usually parse themselves out. We were right to go our separate ways, and I know we’re both the better for it — even if we can’t pinpoint exactly why.

So there’s no need to apologize, to come and say something, to awkwardly jump-start a conversation that goes nowhere in a matter of minutes. There’s no need to acknowledge what happened, or talk about the things we would have done differently. Our lives are filled with things we could have done better, but I know you well enough to know that just because things end on a bad note doesn’t mean all the wonderful music before was worthless. I won’t let the ugly end color my memories of you. But we are no longer the same people, and there’s no reason to force a false friendship because of some misplaced sense of nostalgia.

It’s the holidays, and we are remembering the people we left behind. But sometimes remembering is enough. You’re surrounded by your loved ones, and I with mine, and there’s no need to toast because the season tells us we should. We’re all okay, and there are so many exciting things in front of us — let’s let that be enough.
Kiss the Rain

[08: 29 pm
Monday, 04/25/11]
I love spending the whole day fucking in bed with Mikilin. I mean... I love spending the whole fucking day in bed with Mikilin. =]
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

[05: 25 pm
Saturday, 04/16/11]
The fiber of my being belongs entwined with hers. <3
Kiss the Rain

[07: 29 pm
Monday, 04/04/11]
Today I finally threw away the ziploc bag that once contained the heart shaped cookie you made me. It felt good.
Kiss the Rain

[01: 08 am
Wednesday, 02/09/11]
I hate when I close my eyes and see hers.
Kiss the Rain

[07: 04 pm
Thursday, 06/24/10]
I knew there was a good reason to leave home. No matter how much I am struggling, I have never been happier to be supporting myself. I love my family, but I would rather not be a part of what some have to offer lately.
4 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[01: 23 am
Saturday, 05/15/10]
I can't even begin to describe the empty I've been feeling lately. I'm sorry.
Kiss the Rain

[11: 56 am
Wednesday, 10/14/09]
"It's exhausting being incredibly, indescribably pleased."
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

[12: 15 am
Sunday, 10/04/09]
Sometimes I think my sole purpose in the universe is to make others happy at my own expense.
Kiss the Rain

[09: 40 pm
Monday, 09/07/09]
It hurts.
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

[12: 08 pm
Wednesday, 07/29/09]
This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine. Without my rifle, I am nothing.
Kiss the Rain

[06: 03 pm
Saturday, 07/25/09]
"I'd rather run the other way then stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears."
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

[04: 39 pm
Tuesday, 07/21/09]
Never have I ever wanted to pack up and run away as badly as I do right now.

My regrets are
What keep me still alive
I need to make
Up for all the lies
Kiss the Rain

[11: 19 pm
Monday, 07/20/09]
I'm using you. I don't care about you. I'm just passing the time. You're just a number. Just the next best thing.
3 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[01: 33 am
Sunday, 07/19/09]
Seriously. Fuck all of this. I just want my numbers up. I want to fuck and not feel. Period. I want to fuck you and forget you. Because I can't and I don't care about anyone these days.
Kiss the Rain

Kid [04: 07 am
Saturday, 07/18/09]
And this is how our lovely friendship started.

2004-09-01 05:47 pm UTC (link)
hmmm...... what would i do for a klon-dyke..........whoops did i say that?
ha! yeah i don't think id really do anything for a klondike bar. now strabucks icecream on the other hand.....
2 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[01: 47 am
Wednesday, 06/17/09]
I wish I could play music. Anything. Because sometimes, my world is just so perfect a song.

To sum it up with someone else's lyrics for nowCollapse )
2 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[06: 37 pm
Friday, 06/12/09]
She said it.
Kiss the Rain

[05: 39 pm
Tuesday, 06/09/09]
What if I'm right? Are you willing to take that chance? To just give up?
3 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[10: 28 pm
Wednesday, 06/03/09]
The answer is staring you in the face but you have to make it complicated because you're just too fucking damaged to know what makes you happy.

1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

[10: 32 pm
Wednesday, 05/27/09]
Some nights... I just wish you would call me from a private number and sing me to sleep.
Kiss the Rain

How deep is your vagina? [05: 24 pm
Monday, 05/25/09]
I probably would have felt more inclined to update on the hilariousness of last night if my cousin hadn't just disowned me for being depressed. So naturally, I feel like breaking down because now I am a "burden" to her.

I met Britt last night after 5 years of being friends with the girl and bitching to her about life all the time. I wish we were better friends.

Who the fuck just drops their blood like that? We were fucking close. I am every bitches burden. Fuck this.
2 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

36 [02: 29 pm
Friday, 05/22/09]
For the first time in my life I am genuinely worried about all the junk I eat. My stomach just isn't as flat as it used to be and that gets to me, which in turn, makes me feel pathetic for sounding like one of those kinda girls.

Time for a change.
6 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[11: 25 pm
Sunday, 05/17/09]
I need you.

41 days. The countdown begins.
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

Blame the roots [11: 49 pm
Friday, 05/15/09]
Being in Orlando makes me feel so hood.
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

[01: 46 am
Saturday, 05/09/09]
For the first time in over two years I am talking to Patrick.
3 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[12: 03 am
Friday, 04/24/09]
So much damage has been done.. so much.

And at the end of the day....
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

[07: 09 pm
Tuesday, 04/14/09]
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Oh I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love

I'm gonna be your biggest addiction.
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

[06: 59 pm
Sunday, 04/12/09]
Ashleigh, yes, it was a messed up comment and I shouldn't have started shit. But that's it. That's all I'm sorry for.

As for you, Marylin, I really don't have anything to say to you. You've got no idea who I am these days and it's pathetic that you would bring up shit from almost 3 years ago. Things change. You have changed, so have I. Know your shit.
Kiss the Rain

Whoa, a real update?! [07: 53 pm
Thursday, 04/09/09]
 Okay. Just a few things.

For starters, last night I ended up going to the Fair. 
"Kim, you're putting it in the wrong hole!"
-"Wow, I've never gotten that before."

Moving along.
Whimsy lady had to have done drugs at some point in her life. 
She googled Google. And actually clicked the link to it.
"I don't know if you've ever picked up a Playboy, it can be kind of raunchy, I mean there's naked women, but..."
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Childrens Lit.

And with that I leave you an original Kim poem:

(Currently untitled)
There's an elephant in my tub
I thought it would be a laugh
To try and give him a bath
He filled up his trunk
There was a "splash!" and "KER-PLUNK"
Before I knew what to do
I was taking a bath too!

4 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[04: 55 pm
Monday, 03/30/09]
The thing is, I can be angry. It gets me by. I can work myself up enough to be FURIOUS with you. But sometimes. I feel like I'm falling apart remembering the good times. What could have been. It's those times that I start wondering if you still have dreams about me. I guess I'm just waiting for you to wake up one day and realize how completely FUCKED you are for choosing him. I know you love me. What I don't know is why you gave that up to live an unhappy life that you are bleeding away by your own hand.
Kiss the Rain

[08: 28 pm
Sunday, 03/29/09]

I'm just not okay. And I can't remember a time I ever was.
Kiss the Rain

I LOVE YOU KRISTY! [07: 07 pm
Thursday, 03/26/09]

I GOT INTO UCF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

[01: 44 pm
Monday, 03/23/09]
 I fear writing has just become something I say I want to do with my life because I really have no clue what I want.

I'm ready to throw everything away and start over.

I deserve better.

You were the biggest let down of my life so far.

You make me sick.
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

It might look like an Avril song called "Girlfriend" but alas! Look closely! [09: 51 pm
Tuesday, 03/17/09]
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don’t like your boyfriend!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
No, it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend

[Verse 1]
You’re so fine
I want you mine
You’re so delicious
I think about ya all the time
You’re so addictive
Don’t you know what I could do to make you feel alright?
Don’t pretend I think you know I’m damn precious
And Hell Yeah
I’m the motherfucking princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I’m right

He’s like so whatever
And you could do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that’s what everyone’s talking about!

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don’t like your boyfriend!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
You know it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend

[Verse 2]
I can see the way, I see the way you look at me
And even when you look away I know you think of me
I know you talk about me all the time again and again
So come over here, tell me what I want to hear
Better yet make your boyfriend disappear
I don’t want to hear you say his name ever again
(And again and again and again!)



Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
You know it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend

In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger
Cause I can, cause I can do it better
There’s no other
So when's it gonna sink in?
He’s so stupid
What the hell were you thinking?!

Kiss the Rain

[06: 00 pm
Monday, 03/09/09]
 Going to Orlandoooooo.  Gone until Thursdayyyyy. Gonnaaaa get CRUNK. lmao. Lesbian club! w00t w00t! 8)

Sofa King Ex Cited!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kiss the Rain

LOL [08: 05 pm
Tuesday, 03/03/09]


Kiss the Rain

[08: 47 pm
Thursday, 02/19/09]
 iisjaythegreat (8:03:39 PM): i just wanted to apoligize for everything
iisjaythegreat (8:03:49 PM): i hate myself for it
iisjaythegreat (8:03:57 PM): you're an amazing person
iisjaythegreat (8:04:05 PM): dont forget that
iisjaythegreat (8:04:24 PM): tell your family i love them and thank you for everything
iisjaythegreat (8:05:02 PM): maybe we'll meet up in some other life. you never know.
iisjaythegreat (8:05:31 PM): If you don't hear from me....
iisjaythegreat (8:05:45 PM): ever again
iisjaythegreat (8:06:26 PM): actually
iisjaythegreat (8:06:26 PM): you won't
iisjaythegreat (8:06:26 PM): so
iisjaythegreat (8:06:26 PM): take care of yourself.
iisjaythegreat (8:06:33 PM): Bye kim
iisjaythegreat signed off at 8:45:22 PM.

The girl I'm in love with tried to kill herself. Tell me again how she's better off there?

2 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

KRISTY ATTACK!!!!!!!! [08: 11 pm
Sunday, 02/01/09]
 Kristy Attack <3
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

[05: 00 pm
Sunday, 01/04/09]
 I have a very strong feeling that there is no one for me in Miami. 

I really want to leave more than anything.
EDIT: I didn't get in.
1 Eye on the skies Kiss the Rain

[02: 25 am
Sunday, 12/28/08]
 So. I haven't felt the need to write in here at all, but I did want to talk about Xmas. Sort of. At least what Kristy gave me.

I've been awake a little too long, watching tv a little too calmly. She gave me one of those leather bound blank journals that Ie always wanted. And that alone blew me away. And I've been re-reading it, and I just keep thinkiing it's the best present I've ever got from a friend. Seriously. I'm glad she's my friend. Kristy, you;ve been amazing. <3
Kiss the Rain

I need some Weeds [12: 42 am
Tuesday, 11/04/08]
 "You made your bed, now fuck in it."
3 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[11: 10 pm
Thursday, 10/09/08]
 I give and I give.

And they take and they take.
2 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[05: 05 pm
Sunday, 08/17/08]
My schedule for school is as follows: 

12:00 PMLIT2480 (12-1:15)LIT2480 (12-1:15)
12:30 PMENL2012 (12:20-1:55)ENL2012 (12:20-1:55)
1:00 PM
1:30 PM
2:00 PM
2:30 PM
3:00 PM
3:30 PMCGS1060 (3:30-5:10)SPC1026 (3:30-4:45)CGS1060 (3:30-5:10)SPC1026 (3:30-4:45)
4:00 PM
4:30 PM
5:00 PM   

It's safe to assume, I will be closing many nights in the future. 

Fucking Fall is gonna be crazy.
Kiss the Rain

[02: 58 pm
Monday, 07/28/08]
dipmaster888: ok look, Im sorry for embarrassing you and being an asshole. I just want you to know im sorry.

What part of "I don't want you in my life" was hard to understand?
3 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[09: 52 pm
Friday, 07/04/08]
Maybe it's good that I'm at work on the fourth of July.

At least I'm getting paid time and a half. -_-

EDIT: Work was dead as fuck and since Chantel was the shift, we cleaned.

However, when I got home, got a little tipsy with my mom. Lmao.
Kiss the Rain

[03: 33 am
Tuesday, 07/01/08]
I should have stopped. He was wincing in pain. His leg was torn up, his bike in pieces, and so many, too many cars just passing by. One woman, one, stopped. That makes me like the rest of them. I should have stopped.
4 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

[03: 33 pm
Thursday, 06/26/08]
 Random stranger dude: You look really cool, I just wanted to say that.
Me: Uh, thanks.
Random stranger dude: I just wanted to tell you that. You look cool. I like your style. You look cute.
Me: Thanks. [Awkward smile.]
Random stranger dude: WHere are you from?
Me: Here. You?
Random stranger dude: Here, you?
Me: Uh, pretty close to here actually.
Random stranger dude: Oh cool. Are you single?
Me: Uh, yes... 
[Really freaked out now. Pulled out my phone to text Jimii and tell her to hurry it up out of the bathroom. Lukcy for me, he took it the wrong way....]
Random stranger dude: Oh uh [starts giving me his number]
Me: Oh wait, uh... [Awkwardly put my phone away.]
Random stranger dude: Well, I'm Ozzy.
Me: Kim. [Sticks hand out to shake.]
Ozzy: Can I? [KISSES HAND.]
Ozzy: What's your number?
Me: Oh, uh. [WTF DO YOU SAY TO THAT.] 
{Stupidly, in low voice, gives number. Jimii walks out of bathroom.]
Me: Uh, be right back.
[Drags Jimii back into the bathroom and tells everything, then proceeds to covertly exit store.]

I am SO not used to that. I think I'll better prepare for next time.

Oh and. I did get a call last night. From "Number Unavailable." And no, I did NOT answer.
4 Eyes on the skies Kiss the Rain

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